One-Liners

DoctorOfDesire · 500 Club Member

One-Liners

Man In Black · Anime Mod

"I'd never join a club that would have me as a member!" Groucho Marx

DoctorOfDesire · 500 Club Member

"I have the body of a God...unfortunately it's Buddah" - Seen on a T-shirt

Man In Black · Anime Mod

"Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love." Woody Allen

DoctorOfDesire · 500 Club Member

"Now I'm not saying Michael Jackson is guilty, but if I was a billionaire paedophile, I'd buy a funfair for my back garden" - Jimmy Carr

neuman · A List Star

"Poor Lou Gehrig, he died of Lou Gehrig's disease. How the hell did he not see that coming?" Denis Leary from No Cure For Cancer Tour

Also From the same tour
"The filter's the best part. That's where they put the heroin!"

Man In Black · Anime Mod

"If this is poetry then every lavatory wall in England is an anthology!" Stephen Fry

DoctorOfDesire · 500 Club Member

"I make my own water; two glasses of H, one glass of O" - Stephen Wright

David McKinney · 500 Club Member

The late, great Rodney Dangerfield is the American King of One-Liners. We can't have a one-liner thread without some of his best stuff:

I was so poor growing up ... If I wasn't born a boy ... I'd have had nothing to play with.

A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

One day as I came home early from work I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."

Its been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

I was such an ugly kid ... when I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I was such an ugly baby ... my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

I'm so ugly ... my father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and told my father, "We did everything we could ... but he pulled through."

I'm so ugly ... my mother had morning sickness after I was born.

Once when I was lost ... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" "He said, "I don't know kid ... there are so many places they can hide."

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

I'm so ugly ... I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.

I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

DoctorOfDesire · 500 Club Member

Hahaha thats some funny shit there Dave! biggrin

Check out some more Stephen Wright classics;

"Last night I played a blank tape at full volume. The mime next door went nuts"

"If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?"

"I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious"

"Tell a man there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint, and he has to touch it"

"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the self-help section was. She said that if she told me it would defeat the purpose"

"For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in a room together and let them fight it out"

"I went to a General Store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specific"

"I have a hobby, I've got the worlds largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches around the world. Maybe you've seen some of it"

"When I have a kid I want to buy one of those strollers for twins, then run around looking frantic. When he gets older I'll tell him he had a twin brother, but he didn't obey"

Seriously, the guy is a legend!

David McKinney · 500 Club Member

LMAO. I don't know who's funnier. I'll have to go with Rodney, just because he's always been my guy, and it's also about delivery. He has the delivery part down like no other. Still, good post.

DoctorOfDesire · 500 Club Member

See what you think of these Dave, they're by a British stand-up called Tim Vine who does quick-fire one-liners. He holds the world record for most jokes told in one hour (499!)

"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.''

"When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought, "That's unlikely...it's a basic skill isn't it....?"

"Exit signs - they're on the way out aren't they?"

"This bloke said to me, 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."

"So there was this bloke, and the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood."

"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are."

"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin."

"I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought 'he's trying to pull a fast one."

"I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End..."

"I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver"

"So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R"

-- Edited by DoctorOfDesire at 01:17, 2007-11-15

David McKinney · 500 Club Member

"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin."

That's a good one. While some of these are over my head (some of them are cultural), the majority of them are funny.

499 jokes in one hour, huh? That's a pretty impressive stat. By my math, that's one joke every ten seconds! Did the audience even get a chance to laugh? Was there an audience?

DoctorOfDesire · 500 Club Member

Yes, there was an audience. They must have been laughing constantly for a whole hour!

"I have a really nice step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder" - Harry Hill

NymVette · Movie Producer

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right, but we're not going to get much done." - Jimmy Carr

DoctorOfDesire · 500 Club Member

"I saw an appeal on telly, it said 'little Suki has to walk 15 miles every day just to fetch water' and I couldn't help thinking....she should move!" - also Jimmy Carr