These are genuine complaints from British Council flat tenants complaining to the Council about problems with their flats:


* My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

* He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

* It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

* I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has back fired and burnt my knob off.

* I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

* And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

* I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

* My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

* I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

* Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

* I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen

* 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

* I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

* The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

* Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

* Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

* I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

* The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

* Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

* I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

* Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

* I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

* This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.